One of the most frightening things for me to do is to share my faith. It is not necessarily hard from a worldly view so much as it is with my own children. I have a child who lacks the social development of the children his age. How do you explain faith to a child who cannot look you in the eye and feel the emotional response that comes from trusting God? How do you explain to other families in church that your son does feel loneliness. He does not mean to be spontaneous or not respond to your emotions. The measure of his friendships are based on quality not the quantity. The quality of his relationships are strained daily even though everyday of his life has been a lesson in behavior or in social interventions.
I have to explain it in the easiest way I can for him. You see he knows that Jesus died for his sins but he has a hard time grasping the beauty of that concept. He hates the pain that Jesus suffered but, visualizing him on the cross between two criminals is the most powerful display of love he feels. Just to know that Jesus, while on earth could forgive sin and immediately assure one of the men eternal paradise shows him what he needs spiritually. I do not know if he feels the warmth and beauty of having God’s word to hold on to but I thank God that the bible gives us stories of unbelievable courage and love that I know he reads over and over.
My life has become as an old oak tree that has grown wider than the arms can reach. Its roots buried deep below the surface. It sits alone in a field surrounded by tall grass and views of nature. It has grown tall and its limbs climb and stretch toward the sky. But it still sits alone. At the end of each limb is an abrupt end but its leaves can become intertwined and connected to other twigs on other branches. As I travel down a branch have I learned what was intended for me? Why are some branches so painful to go down? Why do others seem so easily traveled? Some branches may break under the pressure while others seem as sturdy as the roots below.
I always thought that walking with someone down the harder times in life would weigh me down but having someone walk beside you and being able to let go when you need to is a gift only God can bring into your life. Anger can become such a storm in life that it can pull, toss and shake until its leaves and branches break and shatter under the tremendous force. It can become an unseen act of nature that is completely out of control and it will not stop until it exposes all the naked branches underneath. Do we get too comfortable with our surroundings? Do the birds coming and going take our focus off of the things we hide?
I try to look up from time to time and remember what it’s all about. As the wind pulls the branches apart and the leaves rustle to the ground I remember that it is a climb I cannot do alone. I can only slowly pull myself back up the tree and continue to navigate the branches again.
My eldest son is very protective of his little brother. I will find his brother on the floor in his room after a nightmare. He is loving and very sensitive but at times you would not know that because it takes him longer to process directions. My younger son just hangs on to his brother’s shirt tail as if he is feeling out the situation before he acts. Are they scared of me? Saturday morning brings the normal traffic. The smell of coffee and pancakes.
This is my happy. It trickles out of a crack like a slow leak. It is not completely filling up but it immersing just enough to feel favorable. As valuable as I feel right now as a mother my peacefulness swiftly changes.
I begin to navigate the day. I sit at my desk with an expectation I await for daily. It is a little piece of accomplishment but every day I wait. I have no control over it. It haunts me as every day passes. I let it consume my animus like a black cloud that hovers over desenegrates and fills me up again with dark ash. Just as peaceful as it began it ended. I am now sensitive to every noise that encompasses me. The boys running in and out of the house. My husband tinkering with whatever is on his agenda today. We are now going to start the pumpkin carving. My controlling nature does not mix well with their screams and gentle laughter. I know they feel my tension through the fun. I still have my cloud but as my activities change and increase the trickle of glee might start to drip again. I am controlled by my surroundings and the things I cannot change.
I wrote yesterday about my emotions being locked inside my head and I was unable to free them. This began a cycle of emotional mayhem. When I am overwhelmed I sit transfixed as if I am dazed and I cannot properly engage.
When a rush of emotion hits me I cannot process them individually. The sadness and the catatonic state are the only way I can react. I try to change my disposition but I cannot pull myself out of it. In my relationships this causes a collision when I go in to conflict. It pulls at all the stages of emotions and while my partner can easily negotiate his way through I am stuck in one pattern. In the rejoiced moments I am unable to feel delighted.
These stages bring a heightened sense of perception. We all walk through life with affiance. We have commitments and obligations. There is always a seemingly normal breach of these engagements. To me these unfulfilled promises bring hopelessness. These patterns of broken expectations bring a heightened sense of disappointment to me. I in turn break engagements and unfufill promises to those I love. This is not intentional but my misery will not let me go to those who would comfort me. All I see after these broken patterns is hopelessness. There is nothing to anticipate. I feel alone even though the slightest smile from a stranger could comfort me if I let them.
I can’t. I cannot get rid of the hopelessness I hold now. These bring fits of rage and sorrow.I do not know what my dreams are. I cannot describe any ambitions. I do not know what makes me happy. The depression from life events that people can internalize overloads me. I am afraid to write about this. I am afraid I may lose friends but, I need you to see me as I am.
I am sitting at my desk looking out the window at the beautiful butterfly bush that brings vibrant color and serenity. The house is quiet and the cat is napping on the window ledge soaking up the sun that fills the house. But I sit vacant. Like I am abandoned. The emotion I felt throughout my life has been changeless. The times of happiness have never been able to push through this invisible realm I have. I truly sit and wonder what do people feel when they look at their newborn baby or look at pictures of fun memorable times? I love my boys but at times I just traveled through the days feeding, changing, bathing. I wanted to crawl in a ball when they wanted to play or interact. It hurt so bad to see them look up at me as an innocent being needing love or approval but my heart was still stone cold.
I am always anticipating a time when I will be abanded. My oldest child was a very good baby. He never cried when people held him. Then he started to pull away. He did not want to be held. He had certain triggers and particular ways he had to sleep. He cried all the time and I had to be in constant interaction with him. I soon figured out he needed more intense play. He liked lights and certain movements and certain textures. Even with this, I still could not break through my emotional sphere. Could he see through me?
There is like a black globe holding in my emotions. It sits in the middle of my head and I can see everything around it. It will not crack open. It makes me feel empty. I still cry and laugh but my body does not get the euphoria that comes with those emotions. I still feel sometimes there is nowhere to go. I go through the day understanding that one person out there knows and they have had enough of being raw. Just because we don’t feel it completely or we feel it the wrong way doesn’t mean we need to silence ourselves. I hope to find peace outside of my black sphere. Thank you for letting me share this with you.
Slaves used to sing a song “Follow the drinking gourd.” It was a code to follow the north star to the underground railroad. Frederick Douglas although an escaped slave himself, criticized the movement. He felt it would allow slave owners to be more aware of these escape attempts therefore making it harder for the slaves to escape.
A Domestic violence Hooligan is aware of all these past devastating tools. These slave owners will hold on to every ounce of your spirit. They will recite their criticism reiteratively. Many of us look back and feel inside our timid little hearts, descriptions from a person who has chosen to withdrawal from a family instead of giving the unconditional love the family needed for survival. This is a devastating blow. Words can be the most camouflaged thing in a house. They can pull a child apart and leave her empty. The only happiness she can feel is when words of criticism are spoken. ”Her” words make her comfortable.These are the words she is familiar with. They pull her into a dark space in her mind. She feels powerful and rapacious there.
She will stay there. Her misery will grow and develop in more spaces where she will save her sadness. Look for God in your difficult places. He will never leave you or forsake you–Hebrews 13:5. We never have to question his words.
Anger begins when it is silent…Nobody is around. When I am left unattended with my thoughts, my annoyance leaves me disturbed. According to psychologists, being alone is used to motivate a person to seek social connections. What if those social connections are the cause of defeatism? These unreliable people bring up their idealistic insignificant frustrations and as matrons we are compelled to respond.
Psychologist say that an angry person can lose his objective observality. I disagree. The diversiviolent behavior can retract the most agonizing memories and form a vexatious psyche. It can provoke and threaten an imagination that manipulates social survival. It can criticise and pull you down into an emotional blackmail.
In the psyche of an angelical, celestial servant, anger could seem as a holy, radiant and untainted emotion. Anger is not innocent but we can be prayerful and revered as a saintly sanctification in this irreverent world.